The world we live in automatically predisposes us to expectations. Expectations about how we should look, dress, eat, work, parent, exercise, date, etc. Expectations we hold for ourselves. Expectations others impose upon us. How do we navigate these expectations and find balance to reduce the stress that comes with unrealistic expectations? Let’s find out. 

Expectations versus reality

Each of us carries expectations that influence our perspective. These expectations are beliefs we hold about the outcomes of events – anticipated results that are skewed to our own biases and prior experiences. Expectations that don’t match up to reality can lead to disappointment and distrust.

To better manage your expectations, ask yourself the following: 

  • Do I have an accurate vision of how this situation will turn out?
  • Do I have a set idea of what I want or need out of this scenario?
  • Do I tend to obsess over details or have perfectionistic thinking?
  • Do I feel let down by others or often feel dissatisfied or frustrated?

By “checking in” with yourself, you can align your expectations with the reality of the situation and recognize where the expectation is coming from or what the driving force is behind it. Another way to make this self-check-in more concrete is to make an expectation inventory. Throughout an entire day, jot down the expectations that you experience, and every time you feel annoyed, frustrated, or let down, take a moment to ask yourself, “What expectation is driving what I’m feeling?” Ask yourself if these expectations are helpful, hurtful, or realistic to hold for yourself or those around you.

Take note of your mindset as well: are you feeling stuck in a fixed mindset where anything besides your expected outcome will put you on the defensive, or do you adopt a growth mindset that is flexible with your expectations and adapts to change? Becoming aware of the nature of your expectations will help you manage them and find balance. Practicing gratitude and looking for positives in what you do have, or have accomplished, can also help you mold realistic expectations. 

Tuning into what truly makes you happy is another way to positively impact your expectations. Although we tend to predict that reaching a certain goal or gaining a particular material item will bring us joy, these expectations can often fall short, leaving us feeling like something is still missing. By being intentional with your happiness and identifying what adds value to your life and well-being, you can begin to create expectations that can enhance your experiences and align with your goals. 

Strategies to de-stress

Feeling the pressure of unrealistic expectations from ourselves or from others can be a contributing factor to our overall level of stress. Stress often gets a bad rap and it’s something we all deal with in varying degrees. A little is good, too much is bad. But how do we find the sweet spot? 

As the chart below shows, after we reach that zone of optimal performance where stress is actually a positive pressure, additional stressors can push us over the edge and cause harm mentally and physically, leading to fatigue, exhaustion, and burnout. This can be the difference between being motivated to work through a difficult challenge versus feeling overwhelmed and thinking the challenge is insurmountable.


Image from the Stress and Resilience Institute1


This progression of stress – moving from helpful to harmful to burnout – is something we do have the power to prevent, however. Putting different techniques, like gratitude, into practice to build your resilience can help keep your stress level in check and remind you of the importance of realistic expectations.

Gratitude

Gratitude is both a social and an emotional experience that is connected to our overall happiness. By adopting a state of thankfulness and embracing a giving state of mind, we recognize the things or experiences that gratify us AND the effort that went into that experience, whether this effort comes from the self or elsewhere.

Practicing gratitude not only impacts our mental health, but also our physical and social health. We’re able to see increases in how often we experience moments of optimism, selflessness, spirituality, empathy, and self-esteem – all of which foster adaptive coping mechanisms that help us manage stress and develop positive and realistic expectations.

Image from PositivePsychology.com


To cultivate your own sense of gratitude, remember that it takes time and practice for it to feel like a natural part of your routine, just like any new habit. Here are several tips to get you started:

  • Commit to your practice. Set aside time to tune into your gratitude.
  • Get creative with how you experience gratitude, whether that means writing things down, getting out in nature, or taking a quiet moment to yourself to embrace all the senses.
  • Practice present-moment gratitude. Allow yourself to be present and simply take note and appreciate things as they are. Allow yourself to be present with your truth and allow your emotions to rise and fall as they occur.
  • Share the wealth! Show others gratitude and share your positive experiences with them.

Resilience

Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity and the ability to manage your stress levels, even in the midst of change. Learning from past experiences and past expectations can help you develop the capacity to thrive, rather than just survive in high stress environments.

Although resilience can help you form realistic expectations and manage the stress that accompanies the unrealistic ones, resiliency skills extend into other areas of life as well. Whether you’re looking to direct your resilience to your career, your personal goals, or the way you can support individuals around you, these skills can become strengths and assets that promote positivity in all aspects of life. 

To build your resilience, focusing on the positive and protective factors that play a role is a strong start. This might look like:

  • Practicing positive attitudes and positive self-image
  • Instilling confidence in your strengths and abilities
  • Leaning on others for social support and positive relationships
  • Developing good communication skills and realistic plans to cope with life’s unexpected events
  • Effective problem solving and focusing on circumstances you can change rather than things outside of your control

The takeaway

Keeping a realistic perspective and working on gratitude and resilience skills can reduce stress and improve your ability to succeed. For additional support, consider supplementing with Thorne’s Phytisone®, a formula of botanicals and nutrients that help manage the effects of stress and fatigue.*

Not sure which stress supplement is right for you? Check out Thorne’s stress supplement suite, or take our stress support quiz to find out. 


References

  1. Is it stress or is it burnout? Stressandresilience.com. https://stressandresilience.com/is-it-stress-or-is-it-burnout/ [Accessed Feb. 8, 2023]
  2. 13 most popular gratitude exercises and activities. PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/ [Accessed Feb. 8, 2023]